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  • Writer's pictureFeathers the Wonder Dog

The Sleep Vortex - I'm curing insomnia

Dear friends – While watching the world from my various plush beds, I have stumbled upon a practical, non-interventionist, non-drug solution to the perpetual problem of human insomnia.

As background, Klady packed our bags and moved to Worlds End in February 2020 and for the first few months she tossed and turned, waking up every night at 2 am and counting sheep until dawn. Now I believe that this was a learned behaviour based on the stress of her previous job and Klady wasn’t the only one in the office to suffer this phenomenon.

On coming home, she would mention discussions about sleep in the lunchroom that resulted in a barely-concealed competition of suffering. Who was kept awake the longest? Were problems solved? Were colleagues able to fall back to sleep? Why was everyone exhausted – everyday day until the weekend. And of course, when the boss piped in about their lack of sleep, it was expected that the sleepless suffering everyone else should pale.

Having watched this process for all my 12 years, I believe that there is a simple solution in sight based on extensive experience of canines around the world. I also believe that its success depends on which hemisphere you live in.

Why the northern, southern hemisphere or equator? Well, my example looks at water travelling down plugholes. Yes, sink or bath holes where the water swirls and goes down the drain. Due to the Coriolis Effect, here south of the equator, the water spins in a clockwise direction, while in the Northern Hemisphere its spin is anticlockwise. At the equator, it seems it just travels straight down (or gets confused).

Now what about dogs? When going for one of my many necessary naps, I always spin in a clockwise direction. The number of times I do the full 360 degree turn depends on how comfortable I think the bed will be. For example, in my plush soft bed before the fireplace, it’s just one turn. On Klady’s bed it’s at least 3 turns as I try to shift pillows, doonas, sheets and discarded clothes. In my garden it can be up to 5 turns as I try to soften spiky but warm vegetation and while on the beach, its 1 ½ turns as I know I am moulding my own comfy spot. This is the Canine Sleep Vortex. But what does this mean for humans?

Humans in fact, are well on the way to this solution but they just don’t recognise it. I’ve seen the Canine Sleep Vortex technique being practised here in the Southern Hemisphere – but I think that humans don’t really appreciate the significance of what they are doing.

For example, on Southern Hemisphere beaches, humans pull out a large beach towel, walk around the towel in a clockwise direction, making sure it is straight, with no creases and encroaching bits of sand. But they haven’t taken this to its logical conclusion. The bedroom.

I’m now happy to present Feathers the Wonder Dog Sleep Vortex© which comprises of these five easy steps:

  1. Establish which hemisphere you live in – Northern, Southern - or on the Equator

  2. When going to sleep at night carefully study your bed to ascertain the most comfortable spot. Are there blankets, pillows, duvets, doonas, teddy bears?

  3. Stand where you think you will enjoy the best quality, deep and uninterrupted sleep (this will be the centre of your Sleep Vortex)

  4. Turn around 3 times with arms outstretched: - Turn anti-clockwise (if in the Northern Hemisphere) - Turn clockwise (if in the Southern Hemisphere) - If on the Equator, stand still in the centre with arms outstretched

  5. After completing 3 turns, drop like a stone down onto the bed

  6. Start snoring and enjoy a night of chasing rabbits, seagulls or just chewing on that bone that you buried in the garden four months earlier.

Easy isn’t it?

Personally I just don’t understand why Klady doesn’t get the hang of this simple solution. Do you think it’s because she won’t stand on the bed?

PS: Let me know if this works for you

PPS: do dogs turn anti clockwise in the northern hemisphere

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